• Tanya K Therapy

Is My Spouse Cheating on Me?

How to find out if your spouse is cheating on you? There are plenty of reasons why spouses cheat on their partners. At the more infamous end of the spectrum you have long-term affairs, but there are also one-night stands, or a brisk visit to a massage parlour, emotional liaisons, and more. The list could go on; human ingenuity, when it comes to exciting adventures, has no limits.

You may have had suspicions that your spouse is cheating on you, which could take the form of simple intuition (just sensing something’s wrong), or you might have noticed a subtle change in his/her behaviour or attitudes. Some spouses pick up on these clues, some don’t, and there’s no need to be too harsh on yourself if you can’t detect anything. You are not a clairvoyant and there is no defined map to follow when we are stepping into the shoes of a cheat, or someone cheated on. In many cases cheating can go on undetected for a very long time.


However, if this question keeps crossing your mind from time to time, the clearest way to find out the answer would be to ask it directly of your partner. However, by asking a direct question you are also taking the risk of getting a one-word answer, something like, “No, of course not! I would never do that”. Or you might get a quick change of a subject instead of a fully formed response.


Asking direct questions may come across as confrontation, and a majority of people, when they feel attacked, will go into defence. It is simply how human nature is.


One way to avoid being confrontational is to ask your partner if he or she is satisfied with the relationship and if there is anything that she/he is missing in the relationship.


Although it is very unlikely that your partner will tell you about the cheating, if you persist, he/she might voice some discontent with certain aspects of the relationship. If that happens, your task is to be open and receptive to whatever answer you are about to hear instead of being defensive or attacking back. If you manage to listen empathetically and understand the situation from his/her perspective, you have a golden opportunity not only to prevent future affairs but also regain the loyalty and spark of your relationship. What could be better than that?


However, if you have no clear grounds for suspecting your partner in cheating but you still can’t stop worrying about the possibility of it happening, you might be suffering from a sense of inadequacy and inner insecurity. If this is the case, your fears might create wrongful accusations and you will drive your partner up the wall with your scepticism and false beliefs.


If you notice that you tend to have these worries continuously, try to talk to someone, preferably a professional who can help you to find the underlying roots of your insecurities and help you to establish a healthier sense of self-worth and confidence in yourself.

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